My heart’s racing. Is it from excitement or anxiety, I could not tell?
Even though I thought I couldn’t decipher what was making my heart skip beats, I later realised it’s because we’ve finally reached that time and season.
Yes, it was that time of the year again where every soul looks to their achievements so far. Mine was a reflection in anger because the year had fleeted and my long hands had not touched tangible things.
Tangible things, my hands had touched none, but my heart had touched brokenness in all its shades.
I take a look at all my mates, colleagues and friends, some found love, some got married, some celebrated great achievements and the birth of their kids and all I had attached to my name was sadness and pain.
As I sat there, surrounded by the familiar faces of my loved ones, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness and isolation. It seemed like everyone around me was moving forward with their lives, achieving their goals, and finding happiness, while I was stuck in a rut, burdened by my own personal demons.
I thought about all the times I had tried to put on a brave face, to pretend that everything was okay, when in reality, I was struggling to keep my head above water. I thought about all the sleepless nights, the tears I had cried, and the countless times I had felt like giving up.
There was so much anticipation dancing through my little mind. The urge to be the first candidate in today’s evening service they tag cross over night. The urge to render everything into the Almighty hands. The heart races, my mind already in the next year I haven’t arrived at yet.
On my way to church, I find those who decide to spend their cross over night drinking away their sorrows, I find those who took strolls hand in hand, whispering promises of the new year into each other’s ears. I can’t help but ask myself whether I’m headed to the right place to cross over into the new year.
The excitementarians come in buzzing into the church. I see the smiles on their faces, the tons of pleasantries they exchanged with one another, so much positive anticipation.
I was confused about the smiles and excitement. To the point that in response, I faked them whenever someone came my way with a hearty one. Then there came this distorted thought in my head. It came suddenly that it made me absent from the assembly of the saints. A blueprint of things I have to achieve in the next year.
Yes, I have to step up in the next year.
Its just a few hours left, am I ready for it?
What preparations have I made?
I find myself really disturbed by these thoughts that I didn’t even participate in the activities of the service.
A nostalgic feeling makes my chest tighten. I can’t breathe, I’m feeling fatigued and dizzy. I feel like I’ve been in this endless cycle of feeling unachieved for years.
Not again.
Financial buoyancy, I guess is the mother of achievements, I rest my case as I try to keep my mind off other thoughts buzzing in.
Finally the spirit descended. My palms clapped along the roaring congregation. Found my shadow dance around the floor as my neighbour hugs me excitedly, and all I see is a reflection of how unsteady my life had been, like a reflection of something in a pool of water that isn’t still.
Finally, finally, the heavenly hosts had given me some peace as I began to reflect on what the upcoming year will look like, maybe I will become a millionaire, I laughed for a while, or even own my own car.
But I know it won’t be easy. My mum has always said that nothing good comes easy. I pray God helps me, I intentionally choose to rest in His hands.
The imperial serial confusing thoughts had disintegrated. In prayers I thank God for the sustenance and render the new year into his hands cause he knows best.
And as I strut back home slowly, I think upon all that happened the previous year and concluded that it’s all in the past.
Looking unto a brighter future and a more positive one, I align my thoughts to channel all round positivity, exceed the version of who I was the previous year and work toward being the best version of myself, this year.
Moving into 2025 with the greatest positivity I’ve ever harnessed, I hope to achieve even greater things than ever this year.
OW WRITER’S COLLABORATIVE EXERCISE.
8th January, 2025.
