Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that I see myself but without my kids.
Anyway, don’t read this story.
My life is a movie. I never thought about it till yesterday. No. I was only able to put the thought into words right now. Guess the movie? Nah. Nothing action. A-ha! That one- The Pursuit of Happyness. I feel like Will/Chris. Maybe the only difference is he had a little house. I sleep in my office. But it’s never quiet. Yup yup. Remember the train sounds? I have to deal with a gas plant roaring night and day. Jesus! I crave some peace. I always have headphones on, and that, too, is killing me. But I’ve learned to sleep through it all.
Chris has a kid but mine are dead. They died two years ago. I have a picture from when they died. We’ve never talked about them since then. Some of my friends don’t even know about this. A well-hidden grief. Two beautiful children. One thing I know is, our lives changed afterward. This grief we never talk about is ever present, sitting ugly over our heads like tongues of fire. It burns my soul.
Well, one would think, like everything else, I’d make something out of this. I did. But I don’t want to talk about it. Why should I? Why make content with the dead? Shit your pants, Jane. Jane asked me that the first time I was going to talk about my babies on a podcast. Like, my precious babies are “content” to you?
Arghhhh!
I sleep in an office now. My wife doesn’t stay with me. I can’t reach her. We’re not fighting. Her phone is just broken. It’s nothing. She has a job now and should get another soon. We’ve been through worse even though we’ve not seen each other in almost two years. We get by. Or maybe not. Uhm… there are video calls. I can count how many we’ve had in the period we’ve been apart. Speaking about periods, at least, she still sees them.
Anyway, my life is a movie, and just like Chris, I’m looking for a sales job. I’m done with those sales jobs that pay based on commission. Get me on a salary. I need that. I need some quiet. I need to see my wife. So, tomorrow, I’ll send out yet another application. Ever applied to jobs so much that you don’t remember the jobs you applied to? It’s the pits! Each day, you keep putting out applications like you’re Garyvee churning out content. Yeesh!
Again, my life is a movie and it’s most probably going to be fun and interesting when I’m dead. Until then, I’ll keep trying because one thing is certain, after the pits, comes the palace. Let’s stop the motivational mumbo-jumbo. Hunger is enough motivation. When you gotta eat and there ain’t no-one to feed you, then will you you work. Besides, my uncle once told me hunger was good. He said that’s when you get to think. He probably was right although I didn’t want to hear that then. I called him for money because I was hungry. I was in university then. True, comfort is terrible but this is worse.
I must say I like what Lucas did on “Will.” I’m listening to it right now. The remix with Will is fire. When it’s all said and done, I’ll turn up like a man in black. Watch out!
