Fatherhood Insights: Lessons from My Dad & Okonkwo’s Story

Dear reader, 

Think fatherhood reflections, Chinua Achebe and paternal influence in African literature. I have been on a paper, and I think, for far too long, partly because I feel that I lack the legitimacy to write on such a topic. Although I never really got a real chance because it was short-lived, I have decided, nonetheless, to write about it anyway and share it with you. It is about fatherhood and paternal influence. This one has been an emotional ride for me. It brought me to the cozy place of gratitude for my father. Though your father-son relationship experiences may be different from mine, as in, day and night, I would want us to walk this path of lessons from my father together. As Anne Sexton (1928–1974) said, “It doesn’t matter who my father was, it matters who I remember my father was.” This may come off as delusional or downright dismissive. Nevertheless, I believe to fully become the fathers we wish to be, we must begin by forgiving our fathers. Paternal influence is as real as they come. Otherwise, we will find ourselves bound by the shackles of trauma.

I digress. Eurocentric critics of Okonkwo have done Okonkwo a disservice, painting a saint black in their bid to enforce an agenda. Yes, on legacy and fatherhood, one might argue that Chinua Achebe’s Okonkwo acts his knowledge on fathering, but I dare say he is up there with the best fathers of his milieu. Frank Marlowe reveals that “parental investment is usually divided into the two broad categories of direct care, such as holding, carrying, or grooming, and indirect care, such as provisioning, defending a territory, or building a nest (Kleiman & Malcolm, 1981). Often there will be a trade-off between direct and indirect care. For example, males who spend more time acquiring resources will have less time for holding infants.” It then follows that, in line with the expectations of his milieu, he fulfilled his duties excellently. 

More so, he is a victim in the story. Chinua Achebe carefully points us to fatherhood reflections and paternal influence in African literature. The gods will always need a fall guy and being too trusting of the gods, Okonkwo pays the ultimate price because the gods are never to be blamed. I am tempted to call Okonkwo the Jesus who was never meant to rise again. He died the forbidden death. “Cursed is he who hangs on the tree,” a death likened to suicide in Igbo mythology. The gods act out the “daemonic father archetype” when they offer up their “son,” Okonkwo for the greater good, maintaining the perfect saintly image of the divine for “the good father is precisely someone who is willing to sacrifice his child to the ultimate good” opines Jordan Peterson in “Ways to Know You’re a Good Father.” Jephthah is seen doing the same in Judges 11: 30-40. 

Again, it is not naivety that drives Okonkwo but a fear of being rejected by the gods, his social father. We understand that Okonkwo fears being like his biological father Unoka. The quest to heal the” father wound” leaves Okonkwo seeking validation from his social father, the gods. He is constantly seeking to please his new father because “if your father rejects you, it is as if the spirit of civilization has left you outside of its walls” suggests Jordan. Hence, Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart in all of its glory is, but not limited to, the story of a boy in search of fatherly love. On this premise, it is, therefore, safe to say that Okonkwo’s Hezekiahnic traits extinguish whatever spark of fatherly love he has. We can attribute this to paternal influence; it is present even in its supposed absence. As Jay Payleitner rightly points out, “You may or may not pass your plumbing business or passion for teaching on to your son, but your legacy still runs deep, influencing the very core of your son’s values and morals. Integrity begets integrity. Abuse begets abuse. Bigotry begets bigotry. Knowledge-seekers beget knowledge-seekers. A creative spark begets a creative spark.”

Walk with me on the path of gratitude for positive paternal influence and share with me a few things your father taught you that you hope to teach your children. I’ll go first. 

My father taught me:

1. To pray. 
2. Public speaking
3. Self-defense 
4. Family comes first
5. Empathy 
6. Decision-Making 
7. Importance of formal dressing
8. The need for a wristwatch (his second-best gift to give was a wristwatch and after a Bible. Nearly every birthday came with a Bible gift) 
9. How to ride a bicycle (he placed me on the bicycle and somehow convinced me he was holding the carrier; I realized I was alone when I hit a house. It was the last time I fell off my bicycle.)
10. How to ride a motorbike 
11. Self-confidence 
12. Diligence 
13. Leadership (he encouraged me to take on many leadership roles; what I learned being his assistant, I practiced in these roles) 
14. Justice
15. How to polish a shoe
16. How to knot a tie (though I never paid attention; I know how to knot a tie now though) 
17. To be punctual (my father would rather be an hour early than a minute late; this, I’ve struggled with) 
18. To tell the truth always, irrespective of outcomes; it is better to be mute than tell a lie. 
19. About the realities of heaven and hell
20. He taught me discipline through delayed gratification 
21. Cleanliness (“Oh, boy, have you washed your clothes?”) 
22. To finish what I start or don’t start at all
23. To love education (my dad still reads; sometimes we talk about a few things from his readings) 
24. To say what I mean and mean what I say
25. To follow through on threats or not make them at all
26. To have high standards 
27. To be a team player (my family is one big team)
28. The true purpose of competition (it does not matter what career path you choose, be first or nothing at all; I must nonetheless admit that in the process of time, he made us see the beauty of being a teammate. If you want to be a great teammate, you had better be your best version) 
29. Winning 
30. Risk-taking (the stories, I’d rather he told them)
31. To be mentally tough
32. To be generous (this should top the list; he could give away our last penny and not bat an eyelid; my mum is no different) 
33. The power of silence (he’d always smile when angry; nearly all my siblings do that now) 
34. To pick our battles; not everything is worth your time. 
35. That God is faithful, and I live this experience. 

You can check out a few articles on (childandfamilyblog.com) for more tips on fatherhood. To being a better dad, cheers! 

The Chief Patriarch.