My dear boy,
I am tempted to begin this discourse with the famous line “The role of black fathers cannot be overemphasized,” but that might probably put you off. Besides, you might not be the only one reading this. Then again, the role of fathers cannot be overemphasized, seeing that even God did not give up his son to a single mother. Call Joseph what you may, a simp, perhaps, the truth, however, remains that he will be the only man who got the chance to call God his son.
In that the divine, the One to whom humanity submits insists that his son has a father as seen in Matthew 1:20, “but while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.” (KJV) It follows that fatherhood is necessary for the development of a child. The world is sick, and only fathers can rid the world of its sickness.
Who then is a father?
This question at first seems ridiculous because is a father not the man whose seed is the child, living with the child, and married to the mother? We quickly realize that defining “father” in the light above eliminates the many ways fathering functions in various contexts to influence children. The above understanding of “father” is based on design and not on function. This is not to suggest that “father” is solely a concept of function rather than design. However, the “design” we should pay attention to includes stepfathers, adoptive fathers, or social fathers under which “spiritual” fathers fall.
Lori A. Roggman et al in “Methodological, Measurement, and Design Issues in Studying Fathers: An Interdisciplinary Perspective” suggest that “the definition of father varies across cultures because cultural groups enact parenting functions differently, for fathers even more than for mothers. Father behavior is shaped by social networks within a local culture, which may be a part of a minority culture within a larger dominant culture. Thus, there are sometimes substantial variations in fathering within cultures just as there are variations between cultures.”
Nevertheless, Lori A. Roggman et al highlight that fathering “may be defined in terms of a role that is played out in relation to particular children; as part of a family system; in a particular community circumstance, cultural milieu, and historical era; and during a particular point in life course” in that “by defining fathering in terms of particular functions, such as caregiving, playing, teaching, providing support, or acting as role models or authority figures, we can make informed decisions about whom to study in cultures that are quite different from our own.”
Serie McDougal III et al corroborate the foregoing in Social Father Presence: The Experience of Being Raised by Black Social Fathers thus, “participants in the present study were asked to explain why they began to recognize certain men in their lives as fathers or father figures. Their answers include collective activities, consistent presence, and meaningful communication.” Furthermore, Otto Kelly in “The Father Wound,” a TedxCarsonCity Talk, opines, “I recognized at that moment that he [his son, Dominic] was my father. I recognized the very things that I was looking for, the provision, the protection, the praise, all those things were coming out and the very one that I was supposed to be fathering, he began to father me.”
During The Patriarch Convention 2022, themed: Fatherhood, Joshua, a socialpreneur and close pal, shared with us his story. In retrospect, Joshua had been a father for some time, even though his father was alive. He had shouldered the burdens of those closest to him.
It is therefore safe to say that the definition of father is dynamic and varies from culture to culture. However, for the sake of this discourse we shall define father as a biological male who provides protection, provision, presence and praise “in relation to particular children; as part of a family system; in a particular community circumstance, cultural milieu, and historical era; and during a particular point in life course” irrespective of age. Perhaps, this is a design where function trumps traditional expectations.
The Role of Black Fathers.
“It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men,” says Frederick Douglass, because, as clearly stated by Jordan Peterson, “if your father rejects you, it is as if the spirit of civilization has left you outside of its walls.” The mother is handicapped, nonetheless, in that “the good mother fails,” opines Jordan Peterson. The role of the father becomes central to the development of the child. Barack Obama, in a 2008 Father’s Day speech, says, “Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded today that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.”
It therefore goes without saying that black fathers play a vital role in their families and communities, and their contributions should be acknowledged and celebrated. However, in discussing these roles, we must bear in mind that parental investment is a trade-off. Frank Marlowe in “Father Involvement: Evolutionary perspectives” as captured in Catherine S. Tamis-LeMonda’s “Handbook of Father Investment: Multidisciplinary Perspectives” opines thus: “Parental investment is usually divided into the two broad categories of direct care, such as holding, carrying, or grooming, and indirect care, such as provision-ing, defending a territory, or building a nest (Kleiman & Malcolm, 1981).
Often, there will be a trade-off between direct and indirect care. For example, males who spend more time acquiring resources will have less time for holding infants.” (p.305) Hence, though a trade-off, the discourse of the role of black fathers becomes one in which each comes with their bag of expectations based on cultural, social, and historical contexts.
Before we proceed, I would like to share something that happened during my time as a street food vendor, and I feel a strong urge to do so. As you know, I ran a grill stand at Flour Mill Junction by Old Odupkani Road, Calabar, called Bolérina. I had got the best sauce in the city. No cap! Now, even though I was open from 9 am to 9 pm daily, except on Sundays when I opened by 4 pm, I bore witness to different events every day. Mind you, my spot was just where them ashawos used to stay.
Ever since I got here, there has been this street kid who came around. His name was Joseph. According to him, his father is late and his mum abandoned him and his siblings. He begs for a living. The craziest part was that, from what he begs, he takes something home to an older female sibling. He could neither read nor write. He could, however, recite “A B C D” with a little difficulty. He was gradually becoming a little brother.
Anyway, Joseph was a strong kid. Street fights were not new to him, and I discovered that on a fateful day. Some kid whose mom sold around here (Bolérina at Flour Mill Junction by Old Odupkani Road) chose to fight him. I was not surprised that Joseph gave him quite the ass-whooping. He was my boy now, so I felt some sense of pride. You can’t blame me. I love to see mine win. Anyway, the kid cried and made a fuss. He picked up a big stick and came after my boy, Joe. Joe took refuge at my spot.
The men around held the little kid. The kid was furious. He protested. He was made to understand the rules of a street fight- if you must fight, fight with your hands. I swear that I didn’t know this. But hey, the rules are the rules. What I truly want to share with you, my dear boy, is what happened afterwards.
This kid cried till his father heard him. His father, however, looked him in the eye and reminded him that he had warned him not to engage in street fights. His father is a man, and all men know that actions have consequences. Simple! You play with fire, you get burned! Kapish! You don’t move the goal; you only learn how to shoot better. End of story! And everyone went about their business.
About 45 minutes later, this kid’s mother would march to Joe to warn him never to touch her son. If Joe saw her son, he should run, she roared. I was going to interrupt, but she was just being a woman, a mother, in short! She would rather move the goal than teach her kid to shoot well. In the long run, this kid becomes some entitled prick who can’t take responsibility for his actions! Tueh!
Look, fathers, mold society. They raise real men. Not pussies! A better fraction of the entitled people we find were raised without a father figure in their lives. Consider these few roles of black fathers:
- Providers: It is not in doubt that black fathers work hard to provide for their families’ financial needs, often facing unique challenges in the workplace. Far above this, the presence of a father provides the child a far greater advantage because “dads open doors. We place new opportunities in front of our sons,” agrees Jay Payleitner in “52 Things Sons Need from their Dads.” I have enjoyed this from my father as he has seized each opportunity to introduce me to his friends. “They’re my friends, not yours; make them your friends.” This very much ensures I don’t lose access to these men when he’s gone.
- Role Models: There’s a level of competence that is required to be a man, and an even more competence to be a father. You quickly pick up knowledge about nutrition, general body health, about your wife and children. You begin to note the psychological as well as physiological impact of food and the environment. You realize that the best way to train your child is to be what you wish for them to be: the smartest man in the world. Hence, black fathers serve as positive role models, teaching their children valuable life skills, values, and cultural heritage. It is culturally important that a child sees their father as infallible- a man without fault. There’s the concern that if you live long enough, you’ll become a villain. Although Abraham attempted to sacrifice his son, it never changed his status before his son. This motif is woven in loads of archetypal stories across centuries because of the ideals it holds children to.
- Mentors: Black fathers offer guidance, support, and encouragement, helping their children navigate life’s challenges.
- Protectors: They prioritize their families’ safety and well-being, shielding them from harm and promoting a sense of security.
- Educators: Black fathers share their knowledge, experiences, and perspectives, helping their children develop a strong sense of identity and self-awareness. A father is laden with the burden of teaching his son(s) what it means to be a good man and what it means to be good at being a man. Being good at being a man is, in its simplest sense, the ability to sufficiently satisfy the demands of being a man within a cultural context, whereas being a good man is to have basic human decency. A good man might not be good at being a man, just as a man who is good at being a man might not be good.
- Community Leaders: Many black fathers are actively engaged in their communities, working to create positive change and uplift others.
- Emotional Support: They offer emotional support, love, and validation, helping their children develop healthy self-esteem and relationships.
These roles are not exhaustive, but they highlight the significant contributions black fathers make to their families and communities. Someday, you will be a father, and I know you will make a better father than I am. Even before the, you’ll find yourself responsible for certain persons, lead with courage, for it takes courage to live.
Love,
Dad.
